Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
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