ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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