you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
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I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
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I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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