I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Randomize
