Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
