he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
