Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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