why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
