I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
