I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
my poor anus
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
