Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
