you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
