it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
