Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
