i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
