soooo we both peed the bed last night...
my being single is dangerous.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
