the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
