I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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