How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
