he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
