I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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