Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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