mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
