is your mom at the bar?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
