for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
