I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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