I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
