Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I didn't notice because vodka
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
