I can't watch pbs sober anymore
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Randomize
