You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
