Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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