where am i from again
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
