i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
