tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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