Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
