It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
