Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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