i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
