So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
