You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
