That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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