That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens