I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
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well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
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how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!