I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
