so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
