I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
