I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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