your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
