Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
