Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
