Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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