i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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