drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
