What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
