I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
