just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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