I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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