I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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