so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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